Since April this year I’ve been writing in a journal. I never saw myself doing this until I had a momentary lapse of insanity back in March. Creating music has always been a good outlet for me to express difficult feelings since I find it challenging to just open up sometimes. I would play guitar or dibble dabble with beats on my laptop. I did that for years. It was always my “go to.” But, early this year that changed. I found myself not enjoying it. My interest was starting to fade and it scared me.
I’ve always been critical on myself. I’ve spent years believing that I had to reach for some standard that would somehow insert me into the music biz. Sure, I’ve had lots of enjoyment just playing and writing over the years, but nowadays it feels like I’m playing music for the wrong reasons. The role it once portrayed in my life has appeared to have up and vanished. These days it feels more like work and that’s not good.
As I get older I notice that I’m setting a slower pace for myself. With guitar as an example, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to focus on what my fingers are doing. My fingers start to blur and I get easily overwhelmed by too much movement. I start losing focus and coordination. It sucks. I didn’t see that one coming.
I grew up on metal and it was this style of music that inadvertently made a huge impact on me and my musical life. I still love listening to it though. Blast beats and lightning fast riffing; chunky grooves and brutal vocals are still very entertaining to me. I used to strive to be that. But, now I don’t want to be that. Not right now, at least. The same feelings arose when I fell in love with EDM. I still dig it and love that sound. I thought I wanted to be a DJ. And now? Nope.
And that’s really hard for me to come to terms with too. Something that I identified with for so long is taking a backseat in my life. Heck, more like not even in the vehicle! It’s so unreal. It’s like watching a strong marriage of twenty years suddenly end. Why? How could this happen? The same goes for electronic music composition. I’ve got nothing.
Since I’ve been writing, these changes have become more prevalent. Switching gears from music to prose has been a big change – a good change I think to be perfectly honestly. My intentions and expectations perhaps poisoned my ability to enjoy writing music and playing. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. But, since I’ve been breaking out the journal weekly and blogging I’ve been learning a lot about myself and realizing some things along the way. I am not who I thought I was.
Not only that, but I’ve seen that writing is something that I’ve been enjoying just for myself. I don’t feel this urge or need to hurry up and share what I’ve done with the online community. No expectations. No limits. Just pure freedom in my words. I don’t care how many followers I have and I don’t care about how many people read this. It doesn’t matter.
I used to draw a lot when I was younger. About a month ago I picked up a sketch book and some fine point pens. I started drawing again. AND IT FEELS SO GOOD! I don’t feel compelled to snap photos of sketches and plaster them all over Facebook. Like writing I’m more focused on the present moment of creating rather than jazzing myself up for what the end result is going to look like only just to be disappointed with the finished product. That’s just insanity. I’m through looking for validation and acceptance. I’m sick of seeking that spotlight like so many others are.
You know, I told myself that I wanted to learn how to play piano. But, maybe I should wait it out. Maybe music isn’t the answer right now. Maybe I’m just destined to go down a different path this time around. I don’t have to let one thing, like music, define who I am. I’m a human being fully capable of trying anything: pass or fail; hit or miss. The world has so much to offer and I’ll only be on this planet for so long. Make the most of it.